Reflecting on 20 Years of Life

My last 20 years of life…where to even begin. To say it clearly, I believe that my life has been a culmination of uphill battles and seeing God work through those battles in many ways. God has blessed me with a family that surrounds me with the sweetest love, friends that will never leave, and a faith that has grown in every high and every low. There are many ways I want to take this entry, so I am going to write until I feel like I have been able to delve into my last two decades and truly reflect on all this beautiful life has given me. All the glory to God that I am here to write this, that I am breathing, and that I am a broken vessel able to be a witness to who he is.

I want to start by acknowledging the profound impact my parents have had on my life, and continue to have on my life each and every day. No where will you find parents who love more deeply and more intentionally than mine. I grew up feeling safe, loved, and pursued every day. They’ve shown me unconditional love that strongly reflects the sweet love of Jesus Christ. Oh, and did I mention they are intentional? I have so many fond memories with them that I could go on and on about. If I wasn’t with friends on a Friday night, I would be with them and my sister, eating pizza while my dad blasted music from our living room. Saturdays and Sundays were open for early morning donuts, board games, church, and hot homemade breakfasts. School days held fond memories too, with drives to school being full of meaningful conversation and my parents remaining supportive of me in whatever I did. If there was one thing I could go back and relive, it would be those days. I wish I would have taken them in more, because they were the days when I truly felt safe. My parents are still to this day the people I feel like I can open up to and in that I will never be judged or looked down upon for what I have to say. I will forever thank my dad for my love of music/guitar and coffee, and will always thank my mom for my love of books and being creative. Thanks to both of you for 20 years of intentional time, memories, adventures, and laughs. I cannot wait for many more to come. And of course, I cannot forget my beautiful sister. I am beyond grateful for our relationship, and there is something so special about it that I wish everyone got to experience. Megan is 25, married to Garrett, and has worked so incredibly hard to become a Doctor of Physical Therapy. She has been my biggest role model all my years, and will always be my Taylor Swift and coffee buddy that just so happens to share my sense of humor. I know that I can approach her with anything, and she will hear me out right where I am and give me the best advice. I also want to acknowledge that my grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, and so many more people have impacted my last 20 years. Without them, I do not know how I would have ever seen a way out of the pain that I have been through. 

Developing mental health struggles at such an early age, I was forced to learn how to cope on my own, but in that I found where my help truly comes from. I was just thirteen years old when I was officially diagnosed with three different mental health disorders, and it set me back a lot of days. It was hard for me to even do normal teenage activities, and looking back it saddens me to feel like I missed out on some good times. However, I also can attest to how these struggles allowed me to mature at a much faster pace than others. I sort of skipped the rebellious teenage dirtbag stuff because I spent 90% of my days healing and working on my own self affection. As mentioned in a previous post, I held a secret unhealthy relationship with food. Climbing that ladder of trying to reach physical perfection was enough to cause me to waver in my faith and wonder where God was all that time. I lost sight of myself and felt so worthless in the trust I had in earthly satisfaction. Not to mention, the impact of Covid hit me like a truck when I was 17. The only place I could turn to was God, and I can confidently say that my middle school and early high school years were when I had the strongest faith. Because I could not outwardly express all of my struggles to everyone I came across, the silent struggle brought me to my knees and had me begging for the peace of Christ to wash over me. 

I truly am thankful for my early years in school that shaped me to be the Mallory I want to be. It gave me friends that I could lean on even in the difficult patches, and many teachers had an impact on my faith as well. I went to a small Christian school that I would consider academically rigorous, but the pressure strengthened me. I gained academic skills, social skills, and at the same time was able to learn about God. I believe that often I was stretched very thin and in some ways this led to my struggles with mental health, but it led me to pursue the study of social work in higher education. I will never forget the people and the passions that modeled me to be the best possible version of myself, no matter how hard it was at times. If I remain honest, I have to say that my faith has gone in waves. I may not be the stereotypical Christian college student that makes it look like I have it all together. As may already be obvious, I am an open book and like to share my story for others to hear. I find that it gives me energy and with every new post I make I feel the goodness of God in every response. I cannot wait to be a social worker in the future, following God’s command to love the least of these. As I just passed my 20th birthday, I can say that I am at a rough place in my faith and do not always feel worthy to be writing these posts. But in His mercy, God continues to place things on my heart that I want to share with others. He is good even when life is not. After going through various struggles in the last few months in particular, I am still trying to find the real Mallory that I once knew. Sometimes the daily battle in my head can get in the way of me being Mallory. Mallory is someone who loves Jesus, loves her friends and family, loves music, loves being active, and loves to be goofy. I pray to God that my 20’s brings me joy in the midst of hardship, and that I am able to truly feel like myself again. I no longer want to be guarded because of any earthly struggles, because I know this is only my temporary home. To anyone out there struggling to find their way, I feel you. It is only a matter of time before you and I see our cups overflow by the work of God. Life can be mean, but the path I have traveled in the last 20 years has done nothing but prepare me for my future. Thanks be to God and everyone that has raised me to be Mallory Kaye Harrison, because without them, my 20 years would look very different from the outside in.