House not a Home

Something that has been plaguing my thoughts as of this last year is the thoughts and feelings of  loneliness. When I first tell people this, their first response is “you have so many friends and people who love you”. That is true, but in some ways I am mourning the loss of what I call “reachable” friendships. High school drama, the stress of college, and other things have kept me from feeling the complete satisfaction of earthly relationships. Let me tell you, the last year and a half that I have been in college has been one heck of an experience. I have loved people, lost people, and everything in between.

One of the worst feelings is the feeling that “home” is some distant memory and is truly found nowhere. This sounds dramatic at first glance, but it is something I have been juggling as of the last few months. My hometown dynamic has completely shifted, and the feeling of loneliness plagued my mind while I was home for Christmas break. Not only that, but returning back to college after a month-long break felt different this year. Sure, I was excited to see friends I hadn’t seen in weeks, but the time I had at home felt everything but refreshing. I was dreading coming back to school. The once exhilarating excitement of returning to my hometown turned into despair and an impending darkness that left me lost and not ready to come back to the mundane, exhausting, and stressful “college experience”.

Christmas break was full of tears, uncertainty, and feeling like I was in a maze that I couldn’t break out of. There was nowhere to turn, nowhere to feel like I was at home. Besides my family, the normal stability I felt in friendships back home was just gone. There was something to it that couldn’t be mended, and some nights I would sit on the floor in my room and just cry thinking about how the concept of “home” was so different these days. High school drama led me to a place of absolute uncertainty, feeling like what once was my stability was now my broken ground. It was almost an eerie feeling. Everything I had once relied so heavily on was not there anymore.Coming back to school in early January was something I had dreaded since going home mid-December. But it was even worse having experienced the loneliness that surrounded me. After about 24 hours of being back with friends on campus, I was ready to go back to the safety of my own home. I was not ready for assignments, mental exhaustion, and more testing of my ability to even handle college. To say the least, week one was hard. It was the ultimate testing of my faith in Jesus. Most people at IWU say that this week is their week, that they were on a spiritual high. That’s because it was our spiritual emphasis week. We saw people coming to Christ, people recommitting to him, and people feeling the Spirit moving on their behalf. Don’t get me wrong, I felt all of those things. In fact, I felt them so much that I finally felt peace and like I was going to be okay. All of the doubt I felt in the midst of the “waiting room” was gone for a minute. I had begun this blog, I felt the unending peace of Christ, and I felt like I would survive the semester. Until day four. Yep, I lasted four days here and I experienced what I wish I could un-experience. To say it lightly, I had one of the worst nights of my life on Thursday, January 12th. Without going into the smallest of details, I gave into the devil and I felt my own mind overtake me. I had a panic attack, felt hopeless, and felt like I was drowning in my thoughts. It was not me. It was a stranger that I had met a few times before, but had no desire to engage with. I wish I could come on here and say I have survived mental health and have come out on the other side perfectly happy, but I would be lying. I am still actively fighting this everyday. When it takes over, it takes over. I struggle to get out of it, but can only do it with the help of others. I thank God everyday for the support system I have here that allowed me to get out of my own head. I had a friend who helped calm me down, talked me out of inescapable panic, and got me back to what was temporarily my normal self. My roommates were also incredible that night and simply gave me hugs, and in that moment that was enough. Also, though I begged them not to bother, my incredibly amazing and sacrificial parents drove to get me at what at that point was close to midnight. Laying limp in the car in the longest ride of my life, I wondered “what just happened?” I was lost. I still feel that to this day, but I am thankful for those I have around me. I know that no matter what I experience, I will have them with me. They will always be there to help me through this difficult thing called life, and that is the biggest blessing from God I could imagine. Without the small number of real friends who truly care about me, I would 100% not come back to school, and I was very close to making that decision. It is not always sunshine and rainbows, and loneliness (especially in college) is such a real thing to experience. However, I can rest in the peace that loneliness is temporary, but my relationship with Christ is forever.