Finding Joy in Loss

“The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.”

Psalm 34:18

Losing is hard. No matter the context, we like to win. We like to feel the personal satisfaction in feeling like we have everything, that it is all ours. We like the stability in knowing that nothing will change, and the comfort we experience with that consistency. I of all people am the most guilty of this. I despise change. I like being comfortable, and I wish I could remain comfortable all of the time. But facing the facts, I know that if I remained “comfortable”, I would not be where I am today. Because, if I am honest, I know that some of the biggest blessings come out of the biggest changes. If at the end of this past summer, you told me the people that now mean the most, the things I am doing, and the ways in which God has worked through my life, I would never believe it. I don’t think I have experienced this much change in a short period of time, but God is preparing me for something I can’t even begin to imagine. How do I know this? Because even in the midst of the change I have experienced, I have been given many blessings through it. Some days this is way easier to see than others, but I am constantly learning everyday.

I want to begin by addressing the worst kind of loss humans can experience, the loss of a loved one. About three months ago, I lost my grandpa. Around Thanksgiving was when he began to physically deteriorate and his Alzheimer’s was at its worst. If you have ever witnessed someone go through Alzheimer’s, you know how painful it can be to see. I would never wish this kind of experience on anyone. Their personality slowly becomes something of the past, though their body is still living and breathing. The last few years I watched as he slowly forgot who I was and forgot those who cared for him. Ask anyone who knew him, and they will tell you what a fun, bright, personable guy my grandpa was. He knew no stranger and cared so deeply for his family. I never knew a moment when he wasn’t playing with me as a child or joking with me as a teenager. In that, his beautiful love for Jesus shone through. But the nasty side of Alzheimer’s took all of this away. Three weeks after his initial hospital visit, on the evening of December 18th, he was gone. Gone from our lives, just a week before Christmas, the time of the year when family comes together and celebrates each other. I got the chance to see him on December 3rd, but that would be my last time ever. That visit will forever be in my mind as one of the hardest things to experience. Nothing prepares you for seeing that, and nothing prepares you for the loss that follows. Losing him was the cherry on top to an already tough semester I was having, and I felt angry at God for allowing me to experience this kind of hurt. If you have gone through this kind of loss recently or are remembering someone you have lost, remember the blessings that you saw through that time, and thank God for it. I don’t have all of the answers, but what I do know is the way my family came together during this time, and the memories we got to relive. Losing him also gave me even more motivation to live like him, so that one day when I leave this temporary earth, people I leave behind will reflect on my Christ-like character and way I loved like Him. While I cannot always promise happiness through loss, I can promise joy. The hole that is left by the loved one who passed is only an invitation for you to rejoice in their life, to find blessings through the pain, and to come to God with your sorrows. He hears you, sees you, and wants to hear from you! His will is greater than ours, even when we do not understand (John 13:7).

Close to losing someone to death is the pain that comes with losing a friendship. Once again, the word “comfort” comes to mind. This was me for so long, comfortable in what I had. Up until I was 18 and packed up to leave for college, I had hardly experienced true change in my life. I moved out of state once, but we ended up moving back to my hometown after just a year. The lack of variety in my life made the transition to college very difficult for me, but that story is a whole different post :). The loss of friendship is a deep and excruciating pain that feels like it will never go away. It gives way to deep wounds that sting for so long when exposed. I’ve lost people that I never imagined I would ever lose, because I was so caught up in the life I had. Again, not a bad thing, but my eyes were soon opened when I first experienced loss in this category. I can witness to the fact that the pain has not gone away. I still remain in the eye of the storm, and everyday I deal with the scars that have been left behind by the loss of friendships. The question of “what-if” plagues my thoughts because of how deeply I consider my emotions every day. But recently God has been showing me what he has given me despite losing relationships. I have gained friendships, and in those new friendships, I have seen myself grow in so many ways. Most of these relationships I would not have built had I not had to say goodbye to some. They have led me closer to Christ, and allowed me to grow in ways I never thought possible. Do I feel like I have “gained” as many as I have “lost”? Absolutely not. But a few mature, meaningful friendships are so much more valuable than a thousand shallow ones. In those friendships, take whatever opportunity you can to show your appreciation for them, because nothing compares to the sweet gift of genuine friendship. Just a couple months ago, I went through a tough week and I wrote 4 thank you cards for those I felt like were truly invested in helping me. They were patient, willing to help, and made their presence known to me. There is something so sweet in discovering who will be there when you have no strength to offer anything in return.

To finish out this post, I want to discuss my ever continuing battle with the feeling of “losing myself”. I am 20 years old and I still feel like I do not 100% know who I am. To be truthful, I feel as if the minute I feel like my true self, something steals that joy from me. Much of this I can attribute to my mental health and the issues that come with that. But this is completely possible for anyone. Not feeling like yourself is a daunting and overwhelming feeling. It is the feeling that I am in the valley and God is making me wait there. I know who I want to be, but who was I created to be? I have felt this recently, and have been in a rut trying to understand who I truly am in the midst of hurt from others. In similar moments, remember where your identity lies. Let God tell you who you are. At the end of the day, you were never meant to carry these burdens beyond the cross. No one should take away from who you truly are. If someone or something in your life takes away from you being your true self, get rid of that thing. It is not worth your time if it is a risk to your mental health. I have had to learn that the hard way, and though not an easy task, pursuing things that make my personality shine through are the things that I want to keep in my life. Those are gifts from God!

Losing is hard. I’ve been there. You know that as you’ve gotten this far in my post. But no matter what form of loss you are dealing with, look up. The one who created you is telling you to focus on Him who is above all things. It is okay to be angry with God, in fact, he invites us to give Him our pain, our frustration, and our sadness. But Romans 8:18 says, “The pain that you’ve been feeling, can’t compare to the joy that’s coming.” That is such a comforting passage to me. We can rest in the peace of knowing that joy is coming. The pain is temporary, but his Word and his promises endure forever. Remember the blessings that have come your way, and give it all to Him. In Him, you will win.